Some say

that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

No. Def not.

It's really tough thinking you found someone super, only to realize you've been wasting your time.

That isn't really my case I guess. I'm trying to find a way to word what I'm experiencing without sounding like a Seventeen magazine excerpt.

I suppose I knew this wouldn't work. I practically devoted myself to something that didn't make sense. Why? Stupid. So very stupid. 

I'm not sure how to go about not failing at everything. The only thing I don't fail to do is fail. 

It's probably just my youth. Trying to get the chin up.

Tomorrow

-Easy does it

Car

is still in the shop. Why did this have to happen now? I have to borrow Dad's, which is pretty damn lame. Poor car. If it's ass wasn't so big, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Honda's have a lot of junk in the trunk. 

More people are becoming knowers.

Keanu Reeves. I feel so bad! I wish I could help. Srsly so fucking unfair.

Whoa you are hot. How did I end up talking to you? And now you want to do the unthinkable. Well, not really the unthinkable. But do I have the balls? I do. I can't pass this up. And if you don't like me, I can deal.

Congratulations

I've almost forgotten about high school. I just realized how lucky I am that I didn't bust my ass. What's the point? Sure everyone is impressed at the time, but wait a week after graduation and nobody gives half a fuck what you did anyway. Everyone gets the same diploma. It hardly seems worth worth the effort.

But it's been a month since graduation, and now life seems kind of stretched. . . Summer is open 24 hours. Kind of like Denny's. And it seems like it will never close. I lay in bed all day and go out and spend money I don't have. It's bum behavior. And as much as I like it, something should probably be accomplished before I'm shell shocked by the responsibilities of college.

Which probably won't half as bad as high school's. 

Yesterday I bought a shirt at Hollister. Maybe I'm becoming too gay to function, or maybe it's the smell, or maybe I just have been lying all this time about how much I hate their polo shirts.

Today:

nothing

Brüno

was exactly what I predicted it would be. Swinging dicks, dildos, and embarrassed celebrities.

That doesn't mean that I wasn't shocked.

I decided to take this up, once again. Sticking to something seems to be a difficult task for me this summer. I'm focused on things that don't seem half as focused on me. There's really not much to tell, so far. I've learned a few things, but then again, every day is a learning experience for me. One thing I have remembered to do is to make sure my nails are always clean. I get lots on compliments on my fingers, but my toes still need some work. 

I also learned that getting yourself into a situation that can't turn out well is a bad idea, no matter how good it feels at first. I'm ignoring my own warnings. I try to let the hope outweigh them, and I'm usually successful. There are three possible endings: I am happy, I am unhappy, or I am indifferent. 

And I'm guessing that I won't be indifferent.

Also, I'm learning that nobody wants someone that they can easily have. Nothing is more true. 

Still obsessed with Pitbull.

He drives me crazy. He defines everything that I want, and want to be. He's the fucking shit, and I still haven't met one person that dislikes him. Even dad leaves the radio alone when he comes on. How does Pitbull do it?  Someone teach me.

Today:

Nothing

Miami

Let's make this happen. Or maybe I should just go instead. Anything is better. The prospect of a new place and a new life and some new people seems quite out of reach. Taking a few drags only cuts the boredom for so long. There is more to it than that, believe me.

In a matter of weeks, everything will be gone forever. Good riddance. 

That said... almost done! I am getting happy. We will make sense. 

Barnes and Noble, I love you. I am so excited. I've ditched all attempts to work anywhere else, because working for you would be ideal. You have been my favorite store for as long as I can remember, so... yes. This will work for me.

Aw. I'm needy, I know. But thanks for being patient. I appreciate it. And I think I give back a little, too. I know I do.

Tomorrow:

-More positivity 

-More 

-More

-More

When,

when? Yesterday was satisfying, but not enjoyable. Enjoyable is the next step, and I'm sorry, but this isn't good enough for me. There's too much to consider.

Three weeks and I'm home free. I better get the house. I need it. It's not a matter of wanting, it's a legitimate need. Because I can't keep going on like this. CPK, please give me a chance. I promise I'd be good. 

I am exhausted, and not in the traditional sense. I believe I can make shit happen sometime. But until then, I'm going to do more doing. I think they're starting to get it. Because, seriously. I am a human being, remember? I have the same needs and wants. So please, get outta my face.

This weekend I'm going to see if people want to hookah it up, because I really need to hookah already. Also, party? Maybe. It depends. 

Today:

-Photo

-Mr. Wood (unless I leave)

-Search 

Dr

Coke. Possibly the best drink ever created. I put a little more Coke in, because the Dr Pepper can be overwhelming. It took a few tries to perfectly balance the flavors, but I think I've got it.

Yesterday you disappointed me. But my panties shouldn't be in such a bunch. What did I expect going in (that's what she said) anyway? You pepper my eyes. 

Really, everyone just needs to get out of my face. Please.

Today:

-finish eating

-stop eating, forever

-more crunches and running

-less sitting and looking cute

-MASH

The Earth

was quaked. And as falling off my chair ensued (my ass was hanging halfway off, mind you, since I am incapable of finding a comfortable position as a result of having flat feet), I came to realize that I should really have my whole ass on the seat no matter how much it hurts my knees.

I was searching and I found something, but now I'm having doubts. I think I've said something similar before, but inside my head, I am the chief of my own thought police. It's convenient but sometimes they really annoy the fuck out of me, because although I can tell I am being a total douchebag, I continue to be one. I am envious of douchebags that act like douchebags without even being aware that they are douchebags.

Anyway, surprise! It's been a while since my thoughts have been publicly exposed, so here we go again. And it's nice to be back, I appreciate you.

But seriously. 

A lot of shit went down. And I mean a lot. It's been a very surreal few months. 

Go go go.

Tomorrow:

-MASH

But, Mom

Hey, it's that time again! Spring cleaning, for the soul.

But hey, I'm back. 

You have proven me wrong. But most of all, I proved myself wrong. It's similar to the first drink of the day, minus the burning and the 5 o'clock shadow. All one must do is make a sacrifice, but unfortunately, deciding who to leave crying in the dust is never a smooth process. I know I made the right choice, but it wasn't the choice I wanted to make.

Take more and more, and something magical happens. 

A kick in the face. 

Painful, yes, but I am also subconsciously refreshed. And when I let down my guard again, the next kick will be a little less shocking. My character is built.

Food. Keanu Reeves and I conversed upon my return, and it made me hungry. Sushi. That is where it is at.

Tomorrow:

-h-holy fucking shit, seriously now

Whoa Whoa What

This is happening much to fast for me. I apologize. Yes, my actions were deceiving. I know. But I did not know then. And every awkward thing that can happen between two people happened, and you didn't even realize it, which made it all the more awkward. Pardon me, but I can't. The obsessiveness is overwhelming.

My God, what a haul (with a side of bacon). I have not related any tales lately, but that is because there's some strange tale occurring at almost every moment, so it's difficult to find the time. What used to be a shock is now rather expected. 

Nights. And I felt way better. Perfect, in fact. Only you are capable of that. I don't even know why.

Indian adventure was so Indian. Beautiful. The food melted my troubles away and Bride and Prejudice convinced me that everyone in India breaks out in song and dance for no reason. Now I must go. 

Had Indian a second time on Father's birthday, also very good. Unfortunately resulted in sick the next day. It wasn't spoiled food or anything; I think I was just Indian'd out. I had a lot of Indian.

Monday sucky

Tuesday sucky

Wednesday shall not be sucky, I know it.

Today:

-comedy 

Tomorrow:

-not as good as Friday

Pizza

Oh yes. Pizza. Quite delicious, mostly because the cheese is so damn melted. It's getting all over my bed, but who cares? Nothing matters. An unexpected baby step. My brain clicked, the first "fuck it" of the year. So yes, I may be eating on my bed and drenching my pillow with pizza grease, but fuck it. Shit is going down.

What happened:

Friday: hairs cut

Saturday: See, here's

Sunday: photo shoot

Tomorrow:

-fuck it

Oh,

why did I say such things. I was trying to make it not-so-personal, but after two days I still can't stop regretting.

I still want this to continue. I should not feel this way, but it's all I've got for the moment and I would like to hold on to it, thank you very much. It's my only outlet.

Quite enjoyed Bill Tapia and his  delightful music/comments.

Tomorrow:

-sea shanty 

-questions asked

-questions answered

Just returned

from a moment. A moment that lasted an hour. I feel okay. I feel okay. But only for a little longer. It should have had a better ending. But as usual I do nothing. Sharing is caring, so here I am at three in the morning with a great story to tell. Nobody is here to listen, and nobody ever will be, I suppose. The more crowded it is, the more alone I am. I believe that this was proven throughout my last moment, as well as every moment previous. 

We learn through doing, but I think I'm unlearned. We all make mistakes, then comes the laughing and the tear-wiping and the "Oh Lord, how could we forget that!"

I don't think I'll have a person to remember these times with. I'll still be here, buried so deep in an unknown universe that I'll never understand what you or I mean again. But this, I presume, is what is meant for me, and for that I am grateful. It is something, and in my funny little world, something is always defined by a nothingness that forces my hands above my head, white flags grasped in both.

That's all, folks! And that's all there ever will be.

Live Fast, Die Young

That was the plan tonight, but it will not happen. I like to tell myself that I'm indifferent. Sorry, whatever I did. Really. I want the same thing. Just say whatever it is that needs to be said.

But who am I kidding? It isn't okay anyway. 

Friday: At least Keanu Reeves was there, and he played some Dent May for me. Ernesto's bash. Santa was finally destroyed. Now he won't stare at me anymore. 

Saturday: Lexi's surprise party. Katrina and I shared a "Hot Feeling." We will share more of those in the future. Met some nice folks. Got to drive Katrina's Smart Car. Very few people can say they've driven one of those. Great fun.

I am hurt today. Not in the traditional sense. Low is an understatement, but at least I've got my precious future, assuming I don't burn that away as well. Believing in the future does not justify my present actions, however. I try to remember this when I lie back, trying to forget.

 

Tomorrow:

-wake up

-feel no shame (try)

Am Who I Was

Too much patience with the wrong facets. That is why nothing changes. I should throw something at someone instead of bouncing off the walls in frustration. 

I hope my experiences become grander. There's so much ahead. Nothing's going to be any different, it feels like. For 4 months? Or 4 years?

Sushi

So scrumptious. I swear to God, it made me feel better. Father and I went through $110 worth before we called it quits. Then went home and enjoyed some port.

Oh man. Oh man. What the shit has happened? I don't even know. I dozed all day on the couch after sushi. I finally went to my bed at around 1 in the morning. 

This sick thing is deeply depressing me. I missed out on so much. A D-land invitation, Keanu Reeves, a chillax sesh, and much more. If I miss out on anything else, I'm going to scream. Fucking ridiculous. I'm out of ideas. I've tried everything: meds, rest, several doctor visits. Nothing is helping. So fuck it. I give up. If this is some sort of divine punishment, it's working.

Watched Being John Malkovich again. 

Tomorrow:

-deal

Correct

I was correct, but only because I refused to give up hope. The odds weren't very high, but I suppose that waiting long enough gets you somewhere. Pretty excited. I need something to do, but I shouldn't get the wrong ideas. I should probably be a little more careful.

Saw Mrs. Doctor again today. Yes, I have a fever. That is quite obvious. So why did I travel to downtown Long Beach for that diagnosis? "Take Excedrin or Advil." Yes, doing that already. "Rest." Yes, done. "Water, lots of it." Duh.

It's not Mrs. Doctor's fault, though. Mom made the appointment for me. I was about halfway there when I realized that I was completely aware of what was wrong with me, and that going to the Doctor would be a completely fruitless venture. Oh well. Some conformation is comforting, I guess.

Saw Benny and Joon. And glad, because being one of the few that had not seen it was getting annoying.

Ernesto! I'm stoked for you. You'll be fine.

tomorrow:

-take Excedrin or Advil

-rest

-water, lots of it.

following tomorrow:

-checklist with Keanu: get some shiz checked off that list

Sick

sucks. Woke up yesterday with an abnormal, icky feeling. Then my legs gave out. It was quite confusing. So I stayed home and took a nap. I woke up in my bed at 8 P.M. believing that it was morning, and could not remember how I got there. I was too ill for a trip to the emergency room, and, according to my parents, was strongly opposed to the idea of riding in an ambulance (though I do not remember this). The fever was so severe that I was hallucinating and forgetting.

Today has been better. My temperature is lower and I managed to eat. I also watched Arrested Development, which always makes me forget about everything bad.

Consumed my very first White Russian. Keanu can sure mix a drink. It was delightful. One day, when I have my lounge, we shall cocktail ourselves to high heaven.

Missed Wood and Powers. But fortunately, also missed a Government test and a Chemistry test. I wish that I could spend the four-day weekend having a blast instead of studying and having a fever.

Tomorrow:

-sick

Word

The words one says can change everything. The difference between the rich man and the poor man is that the rich man probably knew what to say.

With this is mind, it is easy to understand why I failed. 

Yesterday was Sunday. I was on my way to 2nd Street when I looked at my car's clock. It was noon exactly. Noon on a Sunday. It felt like the biggest bummer ever. I was so gloomy that I pulled over, got out of the car, and sat on a bench. Then it began to rain.

I think I need to do something about. . . well, me.

Awful: when you see (and suddenly want) a stranger that is extremely sexy. What does one do? It is difficult to simply walk up and say, "Hello. My name is Ian Stiles, and you are fucking gorgeous." But the realization starts to sink in; you will probably never see this person again. It's a one-shot deal. Here is this beautiful character that you've never met, and unless it's at school or at work or even at a place where people go on a regular basis, like a supermarket or a brothel, chances are this person will be gone for good. 

I never do anything. Who knows how many romances I've destroyed? 

Running away from the truth is pointless. Which is why I am holding it up with a shotgun. The problem is, if it gets away, everyone knows; if I try to kill it, everyone hears the blast. There's no way to win. So for now I'll keep the gun pressed firmly to its head, no matter how much it shivers and pleads. Maybe a couple whispered threats will convince the disgusting bastard to become a lie.

Mom is back from Las Vegas, with some money. I received some, so I can hold out a little longer. 

Today:

-myth

-job apps

-??

Tomorrow:

-read

-watch

-love

-get over it

Mop

Friday. Awesome. Had ourselves a garage party, complete with cigars and scotch. Thanks for showing up. And then once inside, took out the absinth. De-lish, but resulted in sickness today, and hopefully the aroma will leave the garage soon.

Saturday. Coffee and eating. So much eating. Lexi and I enjoyed some caffeine, In n Out, and a large pepperoni pizza. Faces were stuffed. Very unhealthy weekend, but quite worth it.

Disappointed tonight. Glad I missed formal. But I was quite hoping for some fun nonetheless. Large slap in the head. I guess if I need this, I can't very well rely on you to help me out. Bummer. And again, I'm thinking too much. Perhaps some NyQuil to snuff out the flame? Can't think of a reason why not.

I am finding it difficult to give half a rat's ass about where it's at. I am sorry. I am not sure why; however I still am truly, truly sorry.

I'll just write what happens and compare endings.

Tomorrow:

-sleep

-be healthy

-apply for position

-grumpy

Maximum

efficiency, minimum capacity. I believe that is what's happening here.

Dammit, you're intriguing. I don't feel nearly as worthless because of you. It'd be awesome if I knew how to discern. Do I? Don't I? Sometimes I can't think of anything I care less about, and other times I can't stop picturing. It's probably just those silly hormones that result from being a teenager. And then there's my wretched habit of reaching for the unreachable. 

The day before today went as expected. Okay, I know Formal will be fun. That's super. But if I don't want to go, please don't get your panties in a bunch. It's not the end of the world. I'll have a plethora of opportunities to go to clubs later in life, when it will be much more fun because I won't have to watch clusters of high school students (that I know personally) having everything but sex on the dance floor. "But you're a senior, it's your last chance." Well I'm not taken' it, babe. And that's all-right with me.

This weekend? This weekend. I hope some life-changing things happen. I have a ton of stuff to watch and read, plus I think I'm going. Why not?

Today:

-Mr. Powers

-write

-other

Tomorrow

-hang

-watch

-relax

-you

Groundhog

Yesterday was also Lexi's birthday. Happy birthday to my longest-known friend.

But what a super Groundhog Day. Got up at 10, had pasta for lunch, and then went to see Mrs. Doctor. She was not sure what my problem was, though. It's a grey area because I wasn't tender "here, here, and here." I could have Bronchitis, or it could just be a silly little sinus infection. Either way, I'm not going to die and whatever it is will be going away soon. 

Why are doctors' hands always cold? Instead of working on our equations, my Chem group and I discussed possible answers to this question. One of the girls came up with an answer that I can't believe I didn't figure out first: doctors always wash their hands. Of course. But I won't have cold hands when I'm a doctor, that's for sure. In fact, my warm hands will make my practice famous among locals. Sign in the window: Ian Stiles, MD, warm hands.

After doctor, showed up at school. I would have had to go pick brother up later anyway. Only got the last 15 minutes of Chem, so I practically only came for conservatory. But that was fine, because I got to draw a Jew.

Ah. Nice. It was worth it. And I'm glad I said something. Hope it made you feel super. I can't really tell, but everything seemed positive. All nice gestures on your part, thanks. 

Tomorrow:

-Mr. Wood!

-more time

-movie

-glad

2

I am sick. Very sick. And not just in two ways. 

Today was todayish. Endless running about, mostly to different Starbucks locations. No jobs were found, however. Took brother to Buffalo Exchange to find a formal outfit for him. He got nothing, I ended up with a shirt and a purple/gold windbreaker, which both look rather spiffing on me.

Last night was pretty enjoyable. 

A night next week? Possibly. Depends on coughing levels.

Did Ben's song. That leaves only a few more.

Are you real?

Tomorrow:

- sigh-fi

The Motel

was moderately entertaining. Very disappointing ending. Exactly what Mr. Powers said: I grew to feel for the characters, and BOOM. The end. Guy leaves, girl leaves, which leaves the main boy and his mother. But what happens to the boy? Very frustrating.

I am reminded of someone. A someone that was very friendly to me the other day. A someone that I wish I could get to know better. Well, my move. But that was really kind. Thank you. I feel like a douche comparatively.

Recorded Keila's song. But now Jamie, Chantelle, and Ben are all expecting similar favors. I am willing, because of the positive reviews. Now I understand how talentless people make it in the music industry.

Went looking for a paying position. Found nothing. 

Doctor tomorrow. I think I've got the Bronchitis. This is no fun. 

Oh well, guess I'll just keep hoping the teacher doesn't fuck everything up. Not a big deal, I suppose.

Or I'll just open a motel.

Reverse

Origins and Sources put me in a danged good mood. Got three pages of my comp book done. Mr. Powers is very entertaining, and it is unfortunate that this is my first and last semester with him.

I felt awesome when I woke up today. My folks decided to give me money, and after my shower I was ready to drive; except that I became stupid. I needed to back the station wagon out of the driveway in order to get my car out of the garage, and instead of following the traditional act of putting the auto into "drive" once on the street, I thought it'd be fun to see how fast I could go in reverse. I'm glad that the guy who was backing that SUV out of his driveway was kind enough to brake and not hit me.

Going to formal is an off-putting idea. Several friends are not attending, which makes me feel better about skipping it, along with the obvious (to me).

I need work. It's not about wanting money anymore; I can't pay for anything. I have 150 bucks stuffed inside a James Bond book, and that's it. I've been promising myself that I'd save it for a fun day, but I can't mooch off my parents forever. Then there's the credit card debt, because pretending that the bill won't arrive is actually quite stressful.

Bike ride. Was talking to the brother about one of those. I miss them. When making a decision about which method of transportation to partake in, my shiny new Honda is always the obvious choice, as opposed to my dusty, spider web-covered four-year-old Trek. But riding a bike is somewhat more rewarding than driving, so I may give it a shot today. A bike cruise to 2nd Street for a nice cup of joe is a pleasant idea.

Today:

-school

-bike ride

-movie

Tomorrow:

-friend?

-write

-start book

-???

Stand Up

Comedy will be one of the best school-related experiences I've ever had. Keanu Reeves, + everyone else that I like is in enrolled. + Mr. Wood. 

I never thought that I'd become one of those soccer moms that go to Starbucks every day with their disgustingly complicated, overly pre-prepared orders. "Lyke, okay, so, if you order a grande iced vanilla nonfat latte and tell them to put it in a venti cup, you totally get more coffee, but they charge you for a grande!" It's sad, but I know all of the Starbucks tricks and shortcuts, along with all the syrups, secret menu items, and lingo. What makes the situation all the more depressing is this: I did not consciously learn all of it. When I think of all the things in the world that I could know everything about, I realize that Starbucks should not be one of them.

This week has been superb. Conservatory works. Finals worked. Everything is working. The reason I'm so desperate to leave school is because things were not working. I'm glad that my last semester of public education will work for once.

Today:

-school

-find a job (still)

-first Powers class

Tomorrow:

-Friday

On the Corner

If my eyes ever glaze over as a result of a love-induced stupor, would you slap my face? Be a pal.

I'm so God damned terrible at learning lessons. We know how it ends anyway, might as well leave early and find something more fun to do. I shouldn't linger so. I should at least keep all that salt away from my wounds. 

Monday was Mythical Creatures. Too bad everyone decided to bombard the spot that Keanu Reeves and I reserved for ourselves. Yesterday was Lyrics as Lit, which would be a nightmare if it wasn't for Katie, Keanu, and Lina, who all sit in my row. Otherwise I'd be stuck listening to what should be a picture next to the word "unbearable" in the dictionary. 

But today?

Stand Up. Fuck yes. Mr. Wood. It's been two semesters since.

Saw Hamlet 2 and Grosse Pointe Blank. Both were enjoyable, but Hamlet 2 was more fun. "Jesus is sexy to you, which leads us into the musical interlude 'Rock Me Sexy Jesus'."

Grosse Pointe Blank has Dan Aykroyd. 'Nuff said.

Today:

-Mr. Wood

Tomorrow:

-?

Bloody

Bloody awkward sitting in the car.

Bloody irony.

Bloody not being careful what one wishes for. 

Bloody fuck up.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE IN 3D

Bloody bad decision.

I'm wrong for others. Just how it is. Won't be that way for infinity, one can hope. I can hope. 

Or maybe I am right, from the other view. Then I'll feel like a selfish pig. I will be a selfish pig.

As I was explaining myself last night, I opened my own eyes. This is why. And it's true. My life isn't melodramatic in the least. I just learned to forget. Now I can't stop remembering.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE IN 3D. Most comedic movie of the year. There's nothing quite like having a bloody jaw from some poor chap thrown in your face. But it was impossible not to laugh; we could not contain ourselves. How could a naked chick screaming "fuck you" to a masked miner with a pickaxe not make you laugh?

Got my hairs cut way too short. Now my head looks like a bulb fitted onto a chubby lamp post. But I had a nice chat with the lady who cuts my hair, so I suppose having it cut short was worth the few extra minutes of conversation it bought.

Tomorrow:

-school, except better.

-write

-more music

Slumdog

Millionaire: perfect form, perfect form. The ending didn't seem cheesy, even though it felt like it should have. Who doesn't love a nice dance sequence during the credits of a drama? 

Ernesto and I exchanged many a look as the man behind behind us ejaculated loud American-sounding comments at every preview. "Who's gonna see a fuckin' cartoon anyways?; Har-har, verrrrry funny. Not.; What the shit was that?" And so on. At least he kept his gob shut during the film, except for the occasional "Ohhhhh, he's gonna get it!"

Very glad that I've finally seen one important film on my list. 

Were my final grades good? You bet they were. It was great to give that answer when my folks asked. Instead of being a deer in the headlights, I'm the one driving the vehicle.

You aren't online much. That's a little strange. Did I say something off-putting? Nah, I'm probably not important enough to be a reason for anything related to you. Prolly. 

Today:

-Cineplex, maybe?

-Movie, maybe?

-Maybe, maybe?

Tomorrow:

-Know

-Find a paying position, again

-Or find money

Balls!

Balls! Where have you got yoselves to? Come back! Please!

I hate not having balls. That was a total chance. Chances don't present themselves too often. 

Those damned finals are finished. Surprisingly good marks on my Mythology one. Eros, I'm going to blame you.

Cough has significantly worsened. My throat has an awful feeling that reminds me of those dreaded doctor visits that involve a tongue depressor being shoved as far down as that muhfucka will go. Fortunately I'm the son of a tea connoisseur. Helps somewhat. 

Overall shitness. I look a lot, but nothing. Zip. 

I am pointless.

Tomorrow:

-ernesto

-get better

-write/talk

Bash bash

bash it out. Good enough, almost finished, sufficient, as is, half-baked, it's fine.

Absolutely. Regret comes more easily than drive. Which is ironic, because drive erases regret. 

Peace. Indifference. Sweet relaxation. Mutual appreciation. Please?

Today in class, as I stared blankly at a test question regarding the Taft-Hartley Act, I pictured a cliff overlooking the ocean. About 20 feet behind it was a vast cluster of pine trees, and right on the edge, there was a bench. I was resting on it. Everything was green, fresh, unspoiled. I wanted so desperately to be there. The calm rush the image brought is indescribable. Unfortunately, the Taft-Hartley Act still needed to be defined, and the rush soon ceased. I won't picture peaceful settings again. Why tantalize myself? 

Yay America! You are awesome. Today is a grand day for you. On my next trip to Europe, I'll be able to show my passport without feeling guilty.

Scared shitless post-photo. But that's okay, I'm sure everything is fine. 

One final exam finished. That leaves only two. + I have today and tomorrow to study.

Tomorrow:

-is tomorrow

-vaguely important you

Right

Well, obviously. I knew. I have a notorious habit of wanting those I can't have. 

The hour-long speed race down the 405 to San Clemente (during which I was nearly squashed by a Hummer) was made up for by Nigel's sterling host performance and some delicious food. The group showed up after me. They're always great fun. Especially when shrieking from the back of the Wilson family's golf cart as it plummets downhill. And surprisingly, I understand Econ a little better. Another study sesh in the future? As long as Thai food and golf carts are involved, count me in.

Blanketed. Actually, plastic bagged. I feel bad. I thought maybe, maybe. But after seeing that, I'm pretty sure I was incorrect. I guess I would have done something similar, so there may be hope. I'm most likely in way over my head. 

Tomorrow:

-Mom's birthday

-study

-hope

-get excited over a typical act of kindness

Oh

I've had this feeling before. And what happened? Nothing, which is a lot worse than at least knowing. Perhaps I'll just abandon it before my soul explodes. Or this time, make something happen. Not knowing is pure torture, especially when the opportunity to find out speeds through a puddle and disappears, leaving me soaking wet and standing by the road, thumb still outstretched. The smaller those taillights get, the more miniscule I become.

You're a nice person. You really are. People who seem unaware of their positive traits are attractive. I want to be aware of them for you. Because appreciating someone is an ecstatic feeling. Especially if it's mutual. 

I thought up a story that I may convert into a script. It's been a while since I've written one of those.

Can someone teach me how to fiddle? Fiddling is intense. And so impressive. 

Banjo would be a great thing to know, as well.

Tomorrow:

-San Clemente for study sesh

Know:

-fiddling

-banjo

-how i-VTEC works

-holga film

-you

A Jew

walks into a bar. And then drunkenly stumbles into a 7-Eleven. 

Omens? No. Warnings? Yes. Simply depends on how they're viewed. Just keepin' it kosher. 

I am similar to retired old ladies that plan bake sales: occasionally, what I do isn't important in the least; somehow, though, these particular actions infect my existence. Because if the chocolate chip cookies are next to the scones, who will buy the scones? 

Best/future career: food photographer. There are tricks to the trade, however. I hear they use vaseline to make turkeys look more appetizing, and whipped cream? That will melt. Plaster is a much better idea. So no eating most of the time, which is a bummer. But photographing food and making it look as tasty as possible? Still the best paying position I can think of.

Meanwhile, as the drunk Jew looks for some kosher ramen, the middle-aged Latina behind the counter of the 7-eleven swears at the lack of baked goods in the plastic case, reaches into her apron pocket, and places an unidentifiable object on one of the shelves.

Make love. In a bowl. Wear oven mitts. Heat up. Stir. Simmer. Let cool. 

Today:

-songwriting

-maybe?

-find a paying position

Or You'll Hurt Yourself

Be careful what you wish for. You may not get one morsel. Begging and pleading is useless, it's the level of vivacity that makes a difference; precious little in this ugly world comes easily. And that, my friend, is a fact.

Makeshift everything.

Menopause. Why is it happening already? I thought that was more of a middle-age thing. More of a middle-age woman thing. 

Saw Maja and Adriana. That was nice. And again, reassuring. Same case: not missing high school. Because sometimes I have myself slightly convinced I might.

Browatching next Thursday? Yeah, bro. They love my hometown. It's a mecca for bros. Long Beach Town Center, better known as LBTC, is the bro hangspot. It has a Tilly's, an Active, a Pac Sun, a Lids, a Chick-fil-A, and a movie theater. I mean, if you were a bro, where could you go to beat that?

Tomorrow:

-last day of Songwriting 

-clean out head

-do

Non-Chemical Reactions

Chemistry grade is steadily going skyward. Nice, summer-like weather. Lovely photography outing. Today synthesized. 

Play with fire and you get burned. Like me; burnt to a crisp and still smoking out the ears. Maybe this time I'll know. Knowing is so great; it's the only thing worth giving a damn about, because it can be applied to everything. I know what to say and do. But I can still think and dream like I don't know. That's the beautiful part.

I am insoluble, something semi-charmed. 

I really like Banksy. Can't stop image searching his work. I want to go on a Banksy tour.

To Call Up On the Weekend

Reminiscing is great fun. And now I have to see The Princess and the Goblin again. Get Lily and Keanu Reeves to enjoy it with me, perhaps. That shit has to be good on surround sound.

I need to bash a hole in my skull so that the foggy mirror in my mind can clear up, because I hate not seeing myself.

Journalism? It's a thought. If Emerson is in the future, then fu'yeah.

On the weekend it may happen. Not a positive. Time factor. Work factor. Finals factor. Balls factor.

Tonight:

-know chemistry

-know mythology

-catch up on The Office

Tomorrow:

-tests 

-lit mag

-know more chemistry

Water Jar Boy

is my favorite myth. As the main girl is working on her pottery skillz, she gets pregnant from some clay she accidentally puts in her vagina. Then she gives birth to a jar. Except it has eyes and can talk. And somehow everyone knows it's a boy. While out hunting with his grandfather, the jar breaks on a rock and turns into a real boy. Despite his mother's constant explanations that he is from clay, he goes to find his father. Which he does. They argue for a bit, because originating from clay and inexplicably having a father is very confusing.  The father kills the mother, and dad/son live happily ever after.

Love those Tewas.

On another note. . .

What is it that I want? Beat-down blackout blankness. 

Hopefully something greater, grander, titanic.

Teen Drinking Tea

My coughing won't cease. It's absolutely disgusting. I feel like everyone wants me to shut up and crawl to somewhere in a galaxy far, far away. Maybe people are more sympathetic than I think. 

Tons of tea today. I'm on my 5th travel mug. Those things hold a lot of tea.

K. Reeves and I finished our song. It was mighty satisfying. Though I felt pretty idle: since my throat is so sore from all that hacking and completely coated with phlegm, when I attempted to sing, my voice took on the qualities of a pubescent boy's. Thank you, Keanu, for taking over. Bros have never been more understood.

Today Ms. Ngai asked if she would get in trouble if she tutored her own students, and when I answered, "I don't think so," she happily stomped on the ground and replied, "Are you fucking kidding me?" She effortlessly and instantaneously made the transition from high school teacher to high school girl, and it was great to watch.

Chem test: aced. 

Econ test: not aced. 

Tomorrow:

-sick

-study

-?

Clusterfuck

I got a message back. I knew I would. Just needed to be reassured. Pat on the shoulder. There there. Pure comfort, until I start reasoning.

Filmed a movie with Lily and Mason yesterday morning, which was very awesome. I got to show off my acting abilities by playing a shirtless drunk. And the car chase scene kept me on pins and needles. After that, I got to watch Velvet Goldmine. And then I saw Michael, which made me real happy. It was nice to chat with him, I missed doing that. He's so kind. 

Why do people lack the ability to take hints? I really want you to leave me alone now. Seriously. I don't want to resort to being cruel. What else is one to do?

I think three persons like me, which is kind of sad, because I'm not too good at liking back. Not this way. More like not in this position. 

I'm messing up everything. Embarrassing. Really embarrassing. Fuck. I hate the way I handle things sometimes. I wish I had guidance. A friend, a stranger, somebody. 

. . .

Today started off with Labyrinth. Great start to any day. Not a musical, so I tried to understand why David Bowie was singing. But then I understood that he is David Bowie.

Tonight:

-homework

-coughing

-please grow some balls

Tomorrow:

-test

-test

-song-making 

Remember

First observations of 2009:

Trusting with discretion is a good idea.

Leading is better than being lead, in most circumstances.

Leaving flavored tea drinks in a car that is sitting in the sun is incredibly idiotic. Especially if the car is fitted with cloth seats.

Yes, it's the new year. I feel very 2009ish. Changes have already taken place. Oh yeah, last year? That ol' thang? Toss it out with the used shoes.

Las Vegas last weekend. I really was looking to cigar it up. But Dad said no. Being eighteen changed nothing. No gambling, no drinkage. . . Well, I did enjoy a strawberry daiquiri, a pina colada, and a Kronenbourg beer. So some drinkage, but under parental supervision. As for gambling. . . I guess I could take some money and flush it down the toilet. It would probably be similar to using a slot machine. Just no cool lights. 

Las Vegas is an awful, awful place. But the people-watching opportunities and sheer mass and gaudiness of the structures lining the Strip are intriguing enough to make a trip there worthwhile.

Stress stress stress. Why this school year? 

Tonight:

-Lit Mag stuff

-script

-Myth work

-frantic rushing about

Tomorrow:

-more