Good Day, Sir

Good day, good day.

Well, obviously. And there was food. A lot of it.

We talked some, and sort of worked something out. Encouraging. Kind of. I said the most. But it's something, at least.

Saw Grandmum today.

"Holy shit!" -Grandmum

Got some nice gifts.

Mood: Content 

Tomorrow:

-shopping

-please no sick, please.

-work

The Blues Are Still Blue

Raindrops kept falling on my head today. 

Well, the blues are still there:

-Awkward 

-Awkward

-Indecisive

-Pressure 

-No, not awkward (?)

-Longing

-Deserving

-No, not deserving (?)

-Anxious

-A dash of excited

Silence of the Lambs is a wonderful film. Thank you Keanu Reeves. The only thing that could make it better would be you as one of the supporting characters.

Last night's dinner was so delicious. I love good meals. I can think of few things more satisfying than a good meal.

Went shopping today. Thank you brother, for accidentally finding a perfect gift. The items I ordered still haven't arrived. Lame.

I'm not ready. At all.

Something that's disturbing: When you can analyze your own mind and understand why you feel a certain way about something, or why you interpret something the way you do. I was lying in bed, thinking about what happened, and I thought: Oh oh oh. This is why. Because of this and this. Well, that makes sense. Now that I see it that way, I guess I can move on.

But I can't! I just understand my instincts. I still feel exactly the same. Creepy! And probably difficult to understand from the outside. I'm sorry.

Tomorrow:

-Visit Grandpa

-Cousin over?

-Hopefully get the chance to do something that isn't family-related. 

-Mo shopping

Not the

Well my head is like the Black Sea. Nothing's changing. It's just happening more frequently. And then there's the wanting; it aches. It could be years before it's fixed, too. I mean I have no idea how to go about things. All the daydreaming just doesn't cut it. It's not three years ago anymore. And soon, it'll be three years later. 

I keep up the babble but it means nothing. It's the basic principle; talk it out. But nothing comes out. I refuse, not because I want to, but because it's what I always do. I'm desperate for an exodus. Chuck everything out the window and hope somebody down there is ready to catch it all.

~

Today should be nice. I'm going to see A Christmas Carol at South Coast. Then Shopping. Then Italian dinner.

Tomorrow:

-Write

-NO SICK

-????

The Subject

Alright, I feel good (finally). I'm happy break is here. I found some wonderful fancyass straight-out-of-da-hood rims for the Civic. Ms. Ngai was nice about me missing school, which I was not expecting, so I have two weeks to make up the work. My throat feels a little better. I have some money. Christmas! And I'm being educated on the subject of me.

Okay, now; the problem isn't fixing itself and I want to sometime. Why am I doing the work? Should I want to? Dude. Ack. 

I change and study and analyze the idea until the idea becomes irrelevant. So to Hell with it. Less think, more do. 

Thank You, Tylenol

Hey!

I have something I'm going to do that may make the process easier. So that's relieving. It will be a while, but now I've a way to get rolling.

Oh my God. Break is so close. I hate being sick. I'm missing waffles and people-watching with Keanu Reeves. Thursday is the one day I like. But it's hard to bring yourself to go to school when you're exploding out of every orifice. I wish I was like my brother. He pukes and feels completely better. I puke and feel ten times worse.

Anyway, I get to see Doctor today. 

And if I don't feel better by the time break starts. . . everyone will just have to come to me. Party in my room. I can lie in bed while someone lights my Black and Mild. And someone else can bring another cold patch for my head.

Dripping

Listless and dead. Those things have got to stop. Today stings. Then my head gets smokey and I fall down the well to try and put the fire out.

Listless and burning, more like.

So now that the fire is out I'll just go start another one. Someone pass me the bucket of rain. Okay, you're right, there's nobody to pass it. Whoops! Damn mirages.

Mhm. It's strange when you see something differently; something you've seen your whole life. Or most of it, anyway. When the acceptance bashes your face. 

I opened the meanest fortune cookie in the world today. The fortune read:

"As long as you don't sign up for anything new, you'll do fine."

I love these things.

Hey, two weeks of freedom and movies are coming up!

Today:

-movie

-hot chocolate

-make an attempt

Tomorrow:

-

Wake Up and Smell the Pillow

This morning I found out that I'm not going to school today, either. Well, I'll show up for the Econ test, I don't want Sims to get the wrong impression. I'm ill, and my throat is sealed and searing. I want waffles with Keanu Reeves so bad, though. 

Today I couldn't tell the water from the sweat, and I couldn't tell which was more cleansing. My horoscope said that I should seek advice. Advice? Some of us can't afford that luxury. Have you got a Google search, maybe a drunken conversation?

The dark side of the boon.

Edit the Brain (Once Before Sleep)

Oh fuck all the dust on the dash is driving me insane. I keep reaching over to brush it off but I can't, it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't, by God I can't. Who the fuck cares anyway? It doesn't even matter to me or anyone. Right.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

-Dr. Seuss

Not Even!

No, okay. That's fine. I fucked with the idea and then made a compromise, and hopefully it will work out for all of us, but basically, I lose and win either way. Win-lose-win-lose. Then again, compromises can be breached.

Today seemed unworthy of my attention, so I stayed home. I needed more time to learn economics and to ease the swelling of my head. It was worth it. I enjoyed The Squid and the Whale. 

We got our Christmas tree on Saturday night. I picked it out. It's the fattest tree I've ever seen, but we have the room, and it's quite beautiful. I wish I could live underneath it. But the cat does.

Tonight:

-Econ study

-Remove temporary tattoo

-Finish tree lights

Tomorrow:

-Morning cram sesh

-Sighs of relief

-More inexplicable worry

I wish I lived in the era of speakeasies.

Stating the Obvious

Last night, that again. Better this time. I was worried. I feel numb. I thought I'd feel something. 

Earlier tonight, I went on a Christmas cruise in Huntington Harbor with my family. A crew member named Pam decided to get on the boat's PA system and describe every speck of mass that we floated by. 

"And right there are some blinking Christmas lights. Oh look! You can see that family's Christmas tree! Look in the back window. To our right, and inflatable snowman- he looks all ready for winter fun. Nice hat, Mr. Snowman."

Pam then decided to have all the children on board sing carols into the microphone. Problem was, not too many 4-year-olds know every single word to "Silent Night." Because of this, instead of a song, a series of loud moans filled the air. Pam, darling: Next time, suggest "Jingle Bells."

Tomorrow:

Study/Naples Boat Parade/Party

Sunday:

The Squid and the Whale

No, I'll Take the Red One

Heyyy . . . sneakypants! What gives?

Today was today. Just like Sunday will be tonight. Keanu Reeves found out his friend's name, and it was very exciting. I spent yesterday worrying again. I hate the butterflies, they're starting to make me sick. I actually enjoyed Chemistry today because I like making others laugh, which makes me like myself. And I solved a gnarly equation. 

Tomorrow: 

-finish Econ shit

-finish Chem shit

-will be Monday

Sugar-Sparkled Good Cheer to You and Your Kin

Stress City, 8:26 A.M. 

A confused and somewhat disoriented 18-year-old boy sits in a bakery, eating a mozzarella and smoked-bacon sandwich. How will he surprise himself today? More self-discovery in store? Another secret?

A semi-finished Christmas list sits in front of him, which serves as a reminder of what his family and friends have asked for:

-Cotton candy maker

-New pepper grinder??

-Book bag

To his right, some chemistry work.

"Solid mercury (II) oxide decomposes to produce liquid mercury metal and gaseous oxygen."

Start the Landing Cycle

I seem to have come down from a very intense psychological high. Head racing, heart pumping, butterflies in stomach, worry, headache: + to -

I calmed down today, and felt strangely motivated and better. Still thinking too much. But not like before, when it seemed like my head was lost and my body was desperately trying to find it. I was looking at the progression of my blog posts and noticed that my writing has been inadvertently negative lately.

So I'm hoping I'll be back to my usual witty and happy self sometime soon.

I've just been feeling off. Not depressed or angry or vengeful. Just off. . . like a banana that's gotten sort of brownish but is still edible. A lot has happened, and my head feels fucked with. I feel like a different person. Completely. I just have to get used to me.

But hey, at least Christmas is almost here!

Last Night and the End of the Caffeine

I had one of the strangest experiences of my life last night.

It was one of those events that you worry about for a long, long time, but a few moments before it happens, all the built-up butterflies disappear.

It was a good thing, though.

I can't describe it to anyone. 

Anyway, this weekend was pretty darned superb. 

Friday: Saw Katrina and Lexi. Took the brother and the four of us had a silly string war on Naples Island. I think we almost got caught by those po-lice, but we aren't sure who the sirens were for.

Saturday: Daytime relaxation. Lexi's party, and the 2nd Street Xmas parade. 

Sunday: Hangout with a girl I don't know too well. Arrived home. Left again. That. Arrived home again.

This weekend:

Friday: Katrina's house for tree decorating, Xmas Cruise.

Saturday: Xmas decorating-people over?

Sunday: Hugh Jackman

I've found

the root of all my problems. The question is, what do I do about it?

Nobody can help me out on this one. There's nobody to turn to. This is mine.

I'm so lost.

Well, not really. I know the rought. I just don't have the balls to take the trip.

I know I will eventually. But how much time am I going to waste until then?

Ugh. 

True or Faux

True: 

Everything is better in the morning. 

The weather is colder. 

I built a magnificent fire last night. I made some hot chocolate and did my art journal in front of the fireplace. 

I love my automobile a lot. It still smells nice. It's like a second bedroom. Except that I have complete control over where it is.

I can't figure out which person I like. It's very frustrating. 

Faux: 

I know what I'm doing.