Before < After

It's all happened; maybe it's drastically changed me, or maybe I just drastically changed everything else.

Growing up is defined by contradictions: it's when we're at our worst and our best, when we're the most naive yet all-knowing, when we are filled with hopelessness yet dreamers in every sense of the word. I'm going to be growing up until the day I die.

Moving out soon, hopefully. I need the independence, or else... 

But after visiting my grandmother's empty home I felt a surge of motivation, and now it's going to happen. Sure, I need to learn some things... I need to learn to balance school and a job, plus the responsibilities of running a house... but maybe the reason I lacked that motivation before was because I've never experienced the pressure of meeting financial deadlines, or living with people that don't stick their necks out for me. I think I need that push in order to succeed in the long run.

Since August? I can't even begin. There's too much. Had some fights, had some fun, but nothing I regret. Got a job, got a life, and I don't think there's much more I could ask for. 

Tomorrow: unplanned

Some say

that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

No. Def not.

It's really tough thinking you found someone super, only to realize you've been wasting your time.

That isn't really my case I guess. I'm trying to find a way to word what I'm experiencing without sounding like a Seventeen magazine excerpt.

I suppose I knew this wouldn't work. I practically devoted myself to something that didn't make sense. Why? Stupid. So very stupid. 

I'm not sure how to go about not failing at everything. The only thing I don't fail to do is fail. 

It's probably just my youth. Trying to get the chin up.

Tomorrow

-Easy does it

Car

is still in the shop. Why did this have to happen now? I have to borrow Dad's, which is pretty damn lame. Poor car. If it's ass wasn't so big, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Honda's have a lot of junk in the trunk. 

More people are becoming knowers.

Keanu Reeves. I feel so bad! I wish I could help. Srsly so fucking unfair.

Whoa you are hot. How did I end up talking to you? And now you want to do the unthinkable. Well, not really the unthinkable. But do I have the balls? I do. I can't pass this up. And if you don't like me, I can deal.

Congratulations

I've almost forgotten about high school. I just realized how lucky I am that I didn't bust my ass. What's the point? Sure everyone is impressed at the time, but wait a week after graduation and nobody gives half a fuck what you did anyway. Everyone gets the same diploma. It hardly seems worth worth the effort.

But it's been a month since graduation, and now life seems kind of stretched. . . Summer is open 24 hours. Kind of like Denny's. And it seems like it will never close. I lay in bed all day and go out and spend money I don't have. It's bum behavior. And as much as I like it, something should probably be accomplished before I'm shell shocked by the responsibilities of college.

Which probably won't half as bad as high school's. 

Yesterday I bought a shirt at Hollister. Maybe I'm becoming too gay to function, or maybe it's the smell, or maybe I just have been lying all this time about how much I hate their polo shirts.

Today:

nothing

Brüno

was exactly what I predicted it would be. Swinging dicks, dildos, and embarrassed celebrities.

That doesn't mean that I wasn't shocked.

I decided to take this up, once again. Sticking to something seems to be a difficult task for me this summer. I'm focused on things that don't seem half as focused on me. There's really not much to tell, so far. I've learned a few things, but then again, every day is a learning experience for me. One thing I have remembered to do is to make sure my nails are always clean. I get lots on compliments on my fingers, but my toes still need some work. 

I also learned that getting yourself into a situation that can't turn out well is a bad idea, no matter how good it feels at first. I'm ignoring my own warnings. I try to let the hope outweigh them, and I'm usually successful. There are three possible endings: I am happy, I am unhappy, or I am indifferent. 

And I'm guessing that I won't be indifferent.

Also, I'm learning that nobody wants someone that they can easily have. Nothing is more true. 

Still obsessed with Pitbull.

He drives me crazy. He defines everything that I want, and want to be. He's the fucking shit, and I still haven't met one person that dislikes him. Even dad leaves the radio alone when he comes on. How does Pitbull do it?  Someone teach me.

Today:

Nothing

Miami

Let's make this happen. Or maybe I should just go instead. Anything is better. The prospect of a new place and a new life and some new people seems quite out of reach. Taking a few drags only cuts the boredom for so long. There is more to it than that, believe me.

In a matter of weeks, everything will be gone forever. Good riddance. 

That said... almost done! I am getting happy. We will make sense. 

Barnes and Noble, I love you. I am so excited. I've ditched all attempts to work anywhere else, because working for you would be ideal. You have been my favorite store for as long as I can remember, so... yes. This will work for me.

Aw. I'm needy, I know. But thanks for being patient. I appreciate it. And I think I give back a little, too. I know I do.

Tomorrow:

-More positivity 

-More 

-More

-More

When,

when? Yesterday was satisfying, but not enjoyable. Enjoyable is the next step, and I'm sorry, but this isn't good enough for me. There's too much to consider.

Three weeks and I'm home free. I better get the house. I need it. It's not a matter of wanting, it's a legitimate need. Because I can't keep going on like this. CPK, please give me a chance. I promise I'd be good. 

I am exhausted, and not in the traditional sense. I believe I can make shit happen sometime. But until then, I'm going to do more doing. I think they're starting to get it. Because, seriously. I am a human being, remember? I have the same needs and wants. So please, get outta my face.

This weekend I'm going to see if people want to hookah it up, because I really need to hookah already. Also, party? Maybe. It depends. 

Today:

-Photo

-Mr. Wood (unless I leave)

-Search