Oh,

why did I say such things. I was trying to make it not-so-personal, but after two days I still can't stop regretting.

I still want this to continue. I should not feel this way, but it's all I've got for the moment and I would like to hold on to it, thank you very much. It's my only outlet.

Quite enjoyed Bill Tapia and his  delightful music/comments.

Tomorrow:

-sea shanty 

-questions asked

-questions answered

Just returned

from a moment. A moment that lasted an hour. I feel okay. I feel okay. But only for a little longer. It should have had a better ending. But as usual I do nothing. Sharing is caring, so here I am at three in the morning with a great story to tell. Nobody is here to listen, and nobody ever will be, I suppose. The more crowded it is, the more alone I am. I believe that this was proven throughout my last moment, as well as every moment previous. 

We learn through doing, but I think I'm unlearned. We all make mistakes, then comes the laughing and the tear-wiping and the "Oh Lord, how could we forget that!"

I don't think I'll have a person to remember these times with. I'll still be here, buried so deep in an unknown universe that I'll never understand what you or I mean again. But this, I presume, is what is meant for me, and for that I am grateful. It is something, and in my funny little world, something is always defined by a nothingness that forces my hands above my head, white flags grasped in both.

That's all, folks! And that's all there ever will be.

Live Fast, Die Young

That was the plan tonight, but it will not happen. I like to tell myself that I'm indifferent. Sorry, whatever I did. Really. I want the same thing. Just say whatever it is that needs to be said.

But who am I kidding? It isn't okay anyway. 

Friday: At least Keanu Reeves was there, and he played some Dent May for me. Ernesto's bash. Santa was finally destroyed. Now he won't stare at me anymore. 

Saturday: Lexi's surprise party. Katrina and I shared a "Hot Feeling." We will share more of those in the future. Met some nice folks. Got to drive Katrina's Smart Car. Very few people can say they've driven one of those. Great fun.

I am hurt today. Not in the traditional sense. Low is an understatement, but at least I've got my precious future, assuming I don't burn that away as well. Believing in the future does not justify my present actions, however. I try to remember this when I lie back, trying to forget.

 

Tomorrow:

-wake up

-feel no shame (try)

Am Who I Was

Too much patience with the wrong facets. That is why nothing changes. I should throw something at someone instead of bouncing off the walls in frustration. 

I hope my experiences become grander. There's so much ahead. Nothing's going to be any different, it feels like. For 4 months? Or 4 years?

Sushi

So scrumptious. I swear to God, it made me feel better. Father and I went through $110 worth before we called it quits. Then went home and enjoyed some port.

Oh man. Oh man. What the shit has happened? I don't even know. I dozed all day on the couch after sushi. I finally went to my bed at around 1 in the morning. 

This sick thing is deeply depressing me. I missed out on so much. A D-land invitation, Keanu Reeves, a chillax sesh, and much more. If I miss out on anything else, I'm going to scream. Fucking ridiculous. I'm out of ideas. I've tried everything: meds, rest, several doctor visits. Nothing is helping. So fuck it. I give up. If this is some sort of divine punishment, it's working.

Watched Being John Malkovich again. 

Tomorrow:

-deal

Correct

I was correct, but only because I refused to give up hope. The odds weren't very high, but I suppose that waiting long enough gets you somewhere. Pretty excited. I need something to do, but I shouldn't get the wrong ideas. I should probably be a little more careful.

Saw Mrs. Doctor again today. Yes, I have a fever. That is quite obvious. So why did I travel to downtown Long Beach for that diagnosis? "Take Excedrin or Advil." Yes, doing that already. "Rest." Yes, done. "Water, lots of it." Duh.

It's not Mrs. Doctor's fault, though. Mom made the appointment for me. I was about halfway there when I realized that I was completely aware of what was wrong with me, and that going to the Doctor would be a completely fruitless venture. Oh well. Some conformation is comforting, I guess.

Saw Benny and Joon. And glad, because being one of the few that had not seen it was getting annoying.

Ernesto! I'm stoked for you. You'll be fine.

tomorrow:

-take Excedrin or Advil

-rest

-water, lots of it.

following tomorrow:

-checklist with Keanu: get some shiz checked off that list

Sick

sucks. Woke up yesterday with an abnormal, icky feeling. Then my legs gave out. It was quite confusing. So I stayed home and took a nap. I woke up in my bed at 8 P.M. believing that it was morning, and could not remember how I got there. I was too ill for a trip to the emergency room, and, according to my parents, was strongly opposed to the idea of riding in an ambulance (though I do not remember this). The fever was so severe that I was hallucinating and forgetting.

Today has been better. My temperature is lower and I managed to eat. I also watched Arrested Development, which always makes me forget about everything bad.

Consumed my very first White Russian. Keanu can sure mix a drink. It was delightful. One day, when I have my lounge, we shall cocktail ourselves to high heaven.

Missed Wood and Powers. But fortunately, also missed a Government test and a Chemistry test. I wish that I could spend the four-day weekend having a blast instead of studying and having a fever.

Tomorrow:

-sick

Word

The words one says can change everything. The difference between the rich man and the poor man is that the rich man probably knew what to say.

With this is mind, it is easy to understand why I failed. 

Yesterday was Sunday. I was on my way to 2nd Street when I looked at my car's clock. It was noon exactly. Noon on a Sunday. It felt like the biggest bummer ever. I was so gloomy that I pulled over, got out of the car, and sat on a bench. Then it began to rain.

I think I need to do something about. . . well, me.

Awful: when you see (and suddenly want) a stranger that is extremely sexy. What does one do? It is difficult to simply walk up and say, "Hello. My name is Ian Stiles, and you are fucking gorgeous." But the realization starts to sink in; you will probably never see this person again. It's a one-shot deal. Here is this beautiful character that you've never met, and unless it's at school or at work or even at a place where people go on a regular basis, like a supermarket or a brothel, chances are this person will be gone for good. 

I never do anything. Who knows how many romances I've destroyed? 

Running away from the truth is pointless. Which is why I am holding it up with a shotgun. The problem is, if it gets away, everyone knows; if I try to kill it, everyone hears the blast. There's no way to win. So for now I'll keep the gun pressed firmly to its head, no matter how much it shivers and pleads. Maybe a couple whispered threats will convince the disgusting bastard to become a lie.

Mom is back from Las Vegas, with some money. I received some, so I can hold out a little longer. 

Today:

-myth

-job apps

-??

Tomorrow:

-read

-watch

-love

-get over it

Mop

Friday. Awesome. Had ourselves a garage party, complete with cigars and scotch. Thanks for showing up. And then once inside, took out the absinth. De-lish, but resulted in sickness today, and hopefully the aroma will leave the garage soon.

Saturday. Coffee and eating. So much eating. Lexi and I enjoyed some caffeine, In n Out, and a large pepperoni pizza. Faces were stuffed. Very unhealthy weekend, but quite worth it.

Disappointed tonight. Glad I missed formal. But I was quite hoping for some fun nonetheless. Large slap in the head. I guess if I need this, I can't very well rely on you to help me out. Bummer. And again, I'm thinking too much. Perhaps some NyQuil to snuff out the flame? Can't think of a reason why not.

I am finding it difficult to give half a rat's ass about where it's at. I am sorry. I am not sure why; however I still am truly, truly sorry.

I'll just write what happens and compare endings.

Tomorrow:

-sleep

-be healthy

-apply for position

-grumpy

Maximum

efficiency, minimum capacity. I believe that is what's happening here.

Dammit, you're intriguing. I don't feel nearly as worthless because of you. It'd be awesome if I knew how to discern. Do I? Don't I? Sometimes I can't think of anything I care less about, and other times I can't stop picturing. It's probably just those silly hormones that result from being a teenager. And then there's my wretched habit of reaching for the unreachable. 

The day before today went as expected. Okay, I know Formal will be fun. That's super. But if I don't want to go, please don't get your panties in a bunch. It's not the end of the world. I'll have a plethora of opportunities to go to clubs later in life, when it will be much more fun because I won't have to watch clusters of high school students (that I know personally) having everything but sex on the dance floor. "But you're a senior, it's your last chance." Well I'm not taken' it, babe. And that's all-right with me.

This weekend? This weekend. I hope some life-changing things happen. I have a ton of stuff to watch and read, plus I think I'm going. Why not?

Today:

-Mr. Powers

-write

-other

Tomorrow

-hang

-watch

-relax

-you

Groundhog

Yesterday was also Lexi's birthday. Happy birthday to my longest-known friend.

But what a super Groundhog Day. Got up at 10, had pasta for lunch, and then went to see Mrs. Doctor. She was not sure what my problem was, though. It's a grey area because I wasn't tender "here, here, and here." I could have Bronchitis, or it could just be a silly little sinus infection. Either way, I'm not going to die and whatever it is will be going away soon. 

Why are doctors' hands always cold? Instead of working on our equations, my Chem group and I discussed possible answers to this question. One of the girls came up with an answer that I can't believe I didn't figure out first: doctors always wash their hands. Of course. But I won't have cold hands when I'm a doctor, that's for sure. In fact, my warm hands will make my practice famous among locals. Sign in the window: Ian Stiles, MD, warm hands.

After doctor, showed up at school. I would have had to go pick brother up later anyway. Only got the last 15 minutes of Chem, so I practically only came for conservatory. But that was fine, because I got to draw a Jew.

Ah. Nice. It was worth it. And I'm glad I said something. Hope it made you feel super. I can't really tell, but everything seemed positive. All nice gestures on your part, thanks. 

Tomorrow:

-Mr. Wood!

-more time

-movie

-glad

2

I am sick. Very sick. And not just in two ways. 

Today was todayish. Endless running about, mostly to different Starbucks locations. No jobs were found, however. Took brother to Buffalo Exchange to find a formal outfit for him. He got nothing, I ended up with a shirt and a purple/gold windbreaker, which both look rather spiffing on me.

Last night was pretty enjoyable. 

A night next week? Possibly. Depends on coughing levels.

Did Ben's song. That leaves only a few more.

Are you real?

Tomorrow:

- sigh-fi